Setting Realistic Goals – Entry 10

At the moment, I am trying a new approach within my process of ending my addictive/dependent behavior to watching porn, whether this means porn on a screen on my computer or porn on the screen of my mind as mental fantasies. So my new approach is in relation to goal setting.

I have tested numerous applications within my corrective process which I have now been busy with now for 8 years

Yes, 8 years!

Since I endeavored to support myself to change my relationship with pornography whence I began to see, realize, and understand how my relationship with this point and towards sexuality was not aligned in a way that was healthy or supportive to myself and others.

During my process I have set so many goals. I have also gone through periods of time where ‘failing to reach my goal’ was common place.

A point which has now emerged from all this, is maybe I should be more realistic with my goals.

And to me this also connects to the expectations I have for myself within my process of stopping where for quite a while and still even today I tend to become really disappointed in myself whenever I fail to reach my goals within stopping my addiction to porn.

In the beginning I told myself that I was going to stop forever.

And then eventually I would fall back into the addictive behavior and feel devastated because I failed myself.

And this process has played out in various forms throughout the years and so I thought recently that maybe there is a way for me to adjust my whole ‘goal setting application’ to make it MORE SUPPORTIVE, and so actually contribute to me making progress, instead of where for instance I set myself up for failure everytime…or most times I should say. Which then has the adverse affect of in fact promoting self change.

Right now, I have reached a point in my process of correction where I usually participate with watching and masturbating to porn every 7 days.

So right now, my plan is to see if setting more achievable goals could actually create a more supportive platform with which to walk my process of correction.

So, right now, I can do 7 days. And I have done this many times. So my first goal right now is to walk 7 days. And that doesn’t mean that once I reach that 7^th day, I can now freely go into porn again. It means when I reach that 7 days, I will readjust my goal. Now the reason I am placing my goal at 7 days and not 8 days which would be a day more is because I still would like to stabilize myself at the 7 day mark where at the moment, I will tend to sometimes relapse before the 7 day mark and so it would be an actual improvement if I can get to the 7 day mark again and then I will take it from there.

Now, I do see that my goal must challenge me within my correction process, where it is an actual improvement, otherwise then that would not really be effective goal setting and so I here am exploring to see if I can find the right equation or balance within my goal setting so that I don’t set myself up for failure every time which only works to destroy my confidence, and so I see that I must first start reaching my goals to be able to start building my trust within that.

What I was doing before was I was linking my expectations and so thus my goals to my DESIRES of who I wanted to be and how I wanted things to go, instead of really looking at the reality of things and being Self Honest with where I was in my process in relation to this porn addiction point, and so it has taken some time for me to get to this point, to now test out this application of setting more ‘realistic’ and attainable goals.

So I will test this out and see how it goes.

Irritation: Self Forgiveness – Entry 9

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into irritation when it emerges within myself instead of in that moment, taking a breath, and realizing that when irritation emerges within me, it is an opportunity for me to steady myself, and to slow myself and stabilize myself HERE in Self Presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normally just go into irritation where when it comes up, where I am not aware of myself and just flow into it and act it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the conditions where I become irritated easily which often happens after I allow myself to participate with porn and then have to re-walk the process of stopping again, where during this process, irritation comes up within me which I see as a side affect of porn addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily irritated when I am doing something and it is not flowing how I like. I see, realize, and understand that this irritation is in part a result of being ‘in my mind’ instead of here in breath in physical self presence and groundedness, a point I also notice becomes up-rooted when ever I allow myself to go into porn addiction which is ultimately re-enforcing that point of living/exiting in my mind instead of supporting myself to LIVE HERE in and as My Human Physical Body in its Natural Expression as Breath and Stability.

I commit myself to remember to breathe when I see irritation suddenly emerge within me. I commit myself to breathe and to use this irritation as a reminder of why it is I am committing myself to stop my addiction to porn – I am stopping my addiction to porn because I want to Support Myself to become a Stable Human Being that is Self Aware and not all the time completely existing running around in my mind too full of mind to have the presence and self awareness to breathe and slow myself down when ever I see something like irritation existing inside me. This is one reason why I commit myself to assist and support myself to LIVE this point of Existing HERE in Self Presence and not allowing myself to re-enforce my mind through participating with porn addiction which is total mental process that separates me from my natural stability of self.

Naming The ENERGIES in Addiction – Entry 8

Last night I listened to these 2 interviews from eqafe.

Interview 1 – https://eqafe.com/p/addicted-kryon-my-existential-history

Interview 2 – https://eqafe.com/p/addicted-to-energy-kryon-my-existential-history

The perspectives shared on Eqafe and in the Desteni material in general has been something I have worked closely with in my approach to overcoming my porn addiction and all my addictions for that matter.

The information and perspective I have found in this material has been something I have found no where else and not even psychologists or professionals in the fields of addiction are seeing or understanding the dimensions that is being talked about within the desteni material.

One of the central themes to the 2 interviews I listened to last night on addiction was looking at how in todays day and age we tend to look at the symptomatic features of addiction rather than the core of it and the source of it.

I have herd people talk about this before, though still not getting to the actual crux of the issue of addiction which at this point I am understanding to be ENERGY.

Now the concept of ‘Energy Addiction’ is something that very few grasp or understand.

What I am seeing for myself with my own addictions, is that the fundamental point of addiction, is that I am addicted to the experience that I get from participating with external or internal stimuli.

And that experience is ENERGY. It is an Energetic Experience.

So with porn addiction for instance. I am not addicted to Porn, I am addicted to the ENERGY EXPERIENCE I get from porn.

Specifically

Excitement Energy

Intensity Energy

Thrill Energy

Euphoria Energy

Happiness Energy

This experience comes up in my solar plexus/chest area. The Excitement energy is particularly poignant. And so this is a specific frequencied energy that I must support myself to let go of, and to live without, where rather I support myself to get back to SELF PRESENCE, my Physical Hereness.

For the past month or so I can see how I ‘got away’ from this particular dimension of my addiction. To the point of even where I dismissed it as being the CORE of the addiction.

So moving forward I am going to place my emphasis back on this process of stopping that ‘Excitement Energy Experience’ when ever it comes up and to instead, take a breath and  align myself with my Physical Self Presence.

Another point I see  is that during the last few days before I relapsed recently, I started becoming really inactive. And I started resisting doing my regular routine things. One point I see with regards to why this is, is because I was in a position where I needed to learn how to move and direct myself instead of needing ENERGY to drive and direct myself. So I am seeing this period or phase of resistance that I went into as a point where I have to learn to now DIRECT MYSELF IN SELF PRESENCE.

Its one thing to return to my self presence for a moment, but now, I am seeing this aspect where I have to learn to LIVE in SELF PRESENCE always and so to Direct Myself within this, where before it was always often experiences and energies and feelings and emotions stimulating me to move.

Why Do I Re-Lapse – Entry 7

Today is my second day without porn after a re-lapse after going 21 days without. Sometimes I find it strange how I keep track of the days I am porn free. This keeping track is something I ‘cannot help but do’ and I can recall that I was like this also as a child where even when I was around 14, 15, 16 years old I used to keep track of all my hockey statistics religiously. It was a way to measure myself and see my progress.

So I have found with porn addiction that I am mostly always aware of how many days I have gone without going into the porn addict character.

For the last 3 weeks I have been quite stable within myself in terms of remaining in my purpose and stand to stop my participation with and thus addiction I developed to watching porn.

Last week, I had some of my family come up for a few days and after they had left was when the thought of watching porn came up within me. During this process of correction that I have been walking I have been moving myself to identify all the various dimensions of this addiction and to understand what an addiction even is, and how it exits. So within this I look at the different triggers or stresses within my life that may contribute to a point of wanting to go into the addictive behavior.

I realize that ultimately the goal is to ‘Stand No Matter What’ and that is also a point I have discussed recently with someone who I share with about this addiction where we discussed this specific point of juncture where within myself I will make the decision to ‘go into this addiction’, instead of remaining within my Stand. Some people call this ‘re-lapse’. To me it is a KEY point for me in understanding what an addiction is and how it functions within me and within others as well.

I see for myself that ultimately I will have to Stand when I am faced with those moments where I usually fall or where I am faced with that experience within which I will often or normally give in.

Boredom is a big one.

The experience of Boredom.

If I look at my last re-lapse, the experience I faced within myself which I then allowed myself to go into the addiction behavior was an experience of boredom.

So this experience of Boredom is one specific point I can support myself this time around to not allow this Boredom experience to drive me or coerce me, or to be that indication or signal to now go into watching porn, where porn becomes an outlet to make myself feel better, or to release myself from the stressful experience I have within myself. So rather I must Stand and direct myself through this boredom experience within which I see is a common point of re-lapse.

So this boredom also has a certain tension and stress within it, like an uneasiness where I become anxious and bored at the same time. Like I am looking for something to do but at the same time am Not Satisfied with what ever it is I am doing or finding to do where its like nothing in my reality is a relief anymore. A relief as that point of being able to relax and stabilize myself.

Everything just becomes repetitive, my life becomes repetitive and its like I start to look for ways to escape or get out of or find some relief to this repetitiveness state that becomes my experience of myself within and in relation to my life.

Another Key element to this particular Boredom experience is also an experience of ‘not wanting to do anything’ particularly when it comes to things like writing or self development, where I will start to resist these activities and more start to crave or seek out entertainment.

So this ‘seeking out entertainment’ I can see as even being a mild form of addiction. The addiction to entertainment, to mindless living. So it makes sense that it would be easy to from there, from that experience of seeking out mindless entertainment, to transition into porn which is also mindless entertainment.

I see that In seeking out mindless entertainment in the form of for instance scrolling my facebook page to ‘see what I can see’ and not actually doing something specific, to just watching movies or tv series, that in doing this, I get a similar energetic high as I do when I look at porn. Porn is more extreme though in terms of offering a higher high, so I can see that once I wear out my ‘mindless entertainment’ high, where it, because I have now exposed myself to and have existed within the particular energy experience of watching tv series or movies, that it eventually becomes normal, and even I can see how it would no more create the same ‘energy high’ due to having desensitised myself to it, that then, I would want something MORE, and so that doorway to watching porn would present itself as a place where I could “get the energy I need” and “get the high I need and want”

Boredom is when I am not being Fed with ENERGY.

Boredom with Procrastination is when I have now entered into a phase where I am now more directly looking for an ‘energy high’ to the degree where I have stopped doing those activities that don’t give me an energy high, which includes those supportive activities I see as necessary and supportive for overcoming ‘addiction behaviors’. Activities such as writing, reading, going out for exercise, practicing ones hobby ect.

Alright, I will stop here for today.

Pre-Porn Stages of Porn Addiction – Porn Addiction Recovery Methods: Entry 6

Today is my 7^th day without porn. As I have mentioned in this blog, my addiction was a weekly endeavour. It was like I just couldn’t get through that 7^th day. So today is that day.

What I have been doing to support myself this week is I have been approaching this whole process from a kind of ‘prevention is the best cure’ kind of approach. So I have been supporting myself throughout this week to remain as stable as I could within myself throughout the week, and not allowing myself to go into to many highs and lows, particularly when it comes to sexual excitement.

‘Sexual Excitement’ is a phrase I often use to describe that particular experience or energy that IS the point I am in fact addicted to. So this week I have been supporting myself with stopping my participation in this particular experience and energy.

What I have observed is that when I support myself on this level of stopping my participation in sexual excitement that it supports me in remaining much more stable in relation to when those urges and wantings to watch porn come up. What I found about my addiction is that the ‘participation’ doesn’t simply happen when I watch porn. In fact there is a build up to it. Where first it begins in a moment where there is an image from some porn video or magazine or pic I saw at some point in my life and this flashes in my mind, and then within me emerges this ‘sexual excitement’ this desire to look at this image, to participate and engage with it, to linger on it because in doing this I am experiencing a positive experience. Like the HIGH the drug user experiences off his drug. That to me is the ‘addiction process’ taking place. Often, its only later when that leads to porn which is a more extreme version of this process that can take place within me in a significantly smaller version throughout my day where its like I don’t even see it happening. though I have learned to now see this when it happens even on a small level.

Or another example would be when I am walking down the street and I see a women out of the corner of my eye who looks attractive, and then suddenly I am like gripped with this urge to look, to stare, to peek, to see what this women looks like and to ultimately get another ‘hit’ of this ‘sexual excitement experience’ through looking at her.

So what I have come to understand is that stopping my addiction to porn means stopping these pre-porn stages of the porn addiction. And not only just trying to stop at the last minute when the porn is knocking at my door.

So, what I have been busy with this week and I have practiced this in the past as well is stopping those kinds of engagements of myself, whether its looking at an image in my mind or looking at an attractive women on the street. Rather, I focus on my breathing and don’t participate with this act because then what happens is like I am in these moments actually feeding my addiction, and then if for instance I do this all week, then I have spent the week practicing ‘giving myself permission’ to participate with my addiction, and so this not only weakens my resolve to stop, but it also builds up that sexual energy within me where eventually It just becomes to much and I experience myself as not being able to take it any more and then I give in and watch porn.

So I have observed these dimensions about my addiction and so I am practicing ‘prevention is the best cure’ or supporting myself to get to the root of my addiction process. I find when I support myself throughout my day to stop my participation in sexual energy, that this ultimately supports me in stopping my participation in porn.

There is never any guarantees I have found with this point. Where for instance in the past, I have been supporting myself effectively and suddenly fell back into the habit. But, I can see that supporting myself throughout the week to not participate in these smaller moments of temptation has brought much more inner stability to my process of correcting my addiction and so I continue to work with this point.

Participating with porn I do see as an end result but in terms of the my ‘porn addiction’ it extends further than just porn I watch on the internet. My Porn addiction is also the addiction I created to looking at women I see on the street or participating with sexual play-outs and fantasies in my mind.

I have been busy trying to stop this addiction now for some time. I could even say for the last 7 years, and at this stage, I am seeing, and approaching this now from the perspective of doing a complete overhaul. Just cutting out some of the components of the addiction never was a recipe of actual complete correction, and this is what I am interested in and so now I am focusing on all the different branches of this addiction that eventually lead to that moment where I watch porn. And so this week have really zoomed in on these pre-porn stages of porn addiction.

So, throughout this last week, I have really just focused on the simplicity of myself and have been looking at ‘who I am without all the energy’ without all the ups and downs that I have conditioned myself to exist within and so have been just supporting myself to remain more even-keal. And Accepting this simplicity of myself instead of trying to lunge or urge after some experience, some energy hit I get from looking at women or seeing some image in my head or on a screen to give me a kind of energy zap! to get me high for a moment.

So instead, I have been allowing myself to be alone. To be alone without this energy zap. To just be alone without having to connect to the web and entertain myself. It’s a work in progress and I have some way to go, but this has been a cool point to work with and I see it is beneficial to continue supporting myself to get acquainted with “who I am without the constant hits of sexual energy” And to focus on this Self, this Simple Self.

Resources for Support in Overcoming Porn Addiction

Porn Addictions Journey To Life Blog
https://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/

Awesome  Video Series on Understanding Porn Addiction  https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhlBoXrt81izh7FcmWZ_wG8DZk18aOZGk

Facebook Group For People Walking Through Porn Addiction  https://www.facebook.com/groups/167089990144572/

Facebook Group for Partners of Porn Addicts –https://www.facebook.com/groups/1619123951634417/

Sabotaging my Porn Addiction Correction – Entry 5

So today is my 5th day without porn. I felt much stronger today, I was sharper and more clear within myself. My physical self felt more clear and lighter as well and I physically experienced myself as having some strength within me.

At work, I was more directive with myself where I directed myself keep working instead of being directed by the urges to have a quick break and look at my phone.

Mentally and in terms of a beingness experience, I was more stable within myself and not so much filled with judgement, anger, frustration, and disappointment within and towards myself.

I did have some resistance to writing another entry today, but have decided to go for it.
I am going to do another word re-definition as the process of defining for myself how I am going to live my correction and who I want to be and what I can apply within and as my process of recovery/correction from porn addiction.

Todays word is the word COURAGE.

I actually wrote about this word a few days ago but I wanted to clarify and specify it here for myself.

Dictionary Definition

the ability to do something that frightens one.

“she called on all her courage to face the ordeal”

• strength in the face of pain or grief.

Sounding the word Courage

Courage
Porridge
Car
Cur ridge
Current
Cure
Cure ridge
Grrrrr rige

So for me, to live the word courage in my process of walking out of porn addiction, would be to have the courage to continue walking this point for myself despite the fears and anxieties that come up about my ability to actually walk through this addiction.

This has been a strange point with me so far in my journey in endeavoring to walk through porn addiction and correct myself. I haven’t had the courage to actually let it go completely. When I was looking at this word ‘courage’ the other day, the point that came up for me was the point of ‘having the courage to actually stop’ and to walk through those limitations that I have defined upon myself in relation to my ability to actually stop my participation with watching porn for a certain amount of time, and ultimately completely.

Its like, once I go without porn for 2 or three weeks, I enter into a territory that I am not normally in. For the past 3 years, even though I have gone up to a month, even 2 months I think without porn, ordinarily I would watch porn one day a week. And that was the routine. I’d commit myself to stop, and then after 5 or 6 or 7 days, Id go back into it. Then when I managed to get through 2 weeks without it my expectation was that “I will likely fall soon”.

It was like the longer Id go without watching porn, the more the anxiety and fear of falling would intensify, and I just never was able to walk through this anxiety and fear and I would end up going back into porn.

Even as I write this, now on day 5, there is anxiety coming up within me. And there is almost a kind of expectation that “things are going to turn bad” and I won’t be able to control myself.

So in terms of utilizing my re-definition of the word Courage to support me in my walking of the correction of my porn addiction, courage is the courage to walk through that fear, and that anxiety about things turning out bad. Courage is the Courage to walk longer than I have walked before. Courage is the Courage to not participate with that specific positive energy that I have conditioned myself to want, and desire in relation porn. Courage is the Courage to remain centered, grounded, and self present in the face of a trigger or temptation. Courage is the Courage to remain in my natural expression and beingness instead of going into ‘high energy excitement’ in relation to sex/porn like I have conditioned myself to being used to do. Courage is the Courage to let go of my desires to watch porn and allow myself to walk into the unknown and into the NEW, Into the New from the perspective of walking into a Life without porn which would be a form of a New Life for me. Courage is the Courage to walk each day without participating with porn.

Courage is the Courage to continue supporting myself even through I fear falling and expect to fall. Courage is the Courage to not fall even though I expect to. Courage is the Courage to walk in disciplined Self Support, even though this might be hard and I might resist it, yet, Courage here is to do what must be done to support myself.

The expectation to fall is an interesting one, because as I said, it has been three years of embedding the pattern of participating with porn once a week, despite my commitment to myself to stop.

3 years, + 52 weeks a year = 156 times that I have made a commitment to myself and then went back on that commitment. So this really does a number of my Self Trust, and now in my process, its like, forsaking my commitments has become a part of me, something that I have come to expect from myself, something that I have programmed into myself as just who I am.

Why would I have done that to myself? It could be seen as a form of Self Sabotage. But I don’t see it as deliberate. Meaning, I wasn’t deliberately trying to sabotage myself. I wasn’t deliberately trying to destroy my trust. Yet, that is what I did. Yes, I see that I am able to correct this about myself.

So Courage here maybe is also the courage to face this forsaking of myself, this disowning of myself. And to actually Stand by my commitment to myself.

And to build a New Pattern, a New Structure of myself. One where I stick to my commitments. I have always wanted to be one who sticks to his commitments. But man, over the last few years, I have really destroyed this mechanism, this functionality of myself through going back on my commitments to stop porn so many times. Each week committing to stop, and then each week, reversing the commitment and allowing myself to watch porn.

So Courage here, is the Courage to stand by my commitment and to not reverse the commitment. The Courage to become who who I must become to transcend porn addiction.

Who Do I want to Be Instead – Porn Addiction Correction – Entry 4

One tricky point so far in my process of overcoming porn addiction is the point of when things are going fine, and I seem quite stable in relation to my corrective application, but then suddenly a shift will take place and my experience will change where all of the sudden, I am feeling less stable, and feeling uncertain or wavering in my Stand and Commitment to not participate with the various dimensions of my addiction, and then I will end up going into it.

So in these moments, what I find happens is that I will be faced with a trigger, a desire, an urge to go into the addiction, and I will feel weak inside myself in relation to my commitment to stand. So it is this point of weakness I experience in such moments that I would like to re-define for myself and support myself within correcting.

Because, who Id rather be in such moments, is Strong, is Stable, is Committed.

So lets have a look at the word ‘Strong’

The online definition is

Strong:  able to withstand great force or pressure.

 

‘Sounding’ The Word Strong

 

Strong

Wrong

Straw

Song

Raw

Porn addiction has always been a weakness for me. And when I accept and allow myself to participate with this habit, I will feel weak, mentally, emotionally, and physically. So who I’d like to be in relation to this point is Strong. Id like to, in those moments where I will accept and allow myself to go into ‘weakenss’ instead, I would like to be strong.

So here I am going to support myself to transform who I am in moments when I am facing temptation, where instead of allowing myself to go into a point of weakness, I am going to support myself to LIVE the word STRONG.

So what does it mean to LIVE The Word Strong within the context of recreating myself in relation to correcting my addiction to porn. You know, initially I just saw it as simply wanting to be a Pillar of Strength for myself. Where I just really dig my roots in deep so that I can withstand the strongest storm. Previously, I would accept and allow myself to be blown over, to be swept away by the urges and desires.

So then, what is the difference between giving in in a moment of temptation, or standing? The difference is in the DECISION I make. So the point of STRENGTH, and to Live the word STRONG, is to Make the Decision to Stand, to not participate with the temptation but to Ground Myself within myself my DECISION TO NOT PARTICIPATE and not waiver, and not allow myself to go for the temporary high despite the long process of healing that will be required afterwards. To be Strong is to actually do what is best to Support Self, which in turn actually makes one Stronger because I have found that to allow myself to participate with watching and masturbating to porn actually makes me physically weaker. When I allow temptations, urges, and desires and I allow myself to participate with my different dimensions of porn addiction and so thus allow my addiction to control and direct me, I will often end up feeling physically weaker after. I notice my body actually becomes weaker afterwards also, and I feel much more drained, and tired, and it takes a few days to recoup myself and build up my strength again. I find I also tend to get headaches and just overall feel physically weaker. So in making the Decision to not allow my urges, desire, and temptations in relation to porn direct me, I will actually become Physically Stronger as well. I find when I am not participating in porn addiction, my body and health is actually stronger, I can work longer hours at work and just feel overall more focused. So here in Living and Becoming the word STRONG in relation correcting who I am in relation to porn addiction. When I make the decision to STAND BY MY COMMITMENT, I am making the decision to actually support my physical strength as who I am in a more natural state of self.

So here I commit myself to practice this new application of LIVING the word strong when I am faced in a moment with temptation to participate with porn addiction.

To expand on this point – another word which comes to mind in terms of who I have been so far within and as my accepted and allowed existence in relation to porn addiction, is the word ‘wavering’. I have wavered allot in my commitment to and stand within correcting this addiction instead of standing unwavering. So this is another word which I would like to transform and so to transform the living of the word ‘wavering’ into the living application of ‘Committed’. In the past I would often end up in moments where I was presented with a trigger and I would go into myself and start to consider participating with this trigger. And so this ‘wavering’ would happen within myself where Id think,
“Maybe I should do it” and then Id think “naw its not the best for me”, “but maybe I could just do it”, “I really want to”, “no wait, its not best for me, I should let it go”, “I don’t want to let it go” “it feels so good”, “I can’t help myself” “come on man, just look away” and so this back and forth and back and forth would go on inside of me and thus I would exist in this internal wavering of my commitment, and often this would eventually lead to giving into the trigger/temptation. So this “wavering” is another point I am going to support myself to correct, and specifically, correct into the Living of the word “COMMITTED” where here I support myself to NOT go into this whole “internal wavering” process, but to simply STAND by my Commitment. Here I commit myself to TRUST my Common Sense, and to not indulge, entertain, or allow myself to enter into the process of wavering in my Stand and in my COMMITMENT but to simply Stand Strong, here and COMMITTED in such moments to supporting myself to become a Stronger, More Self Supportive, Caring, Directive, and Clear expression of Life.

The Consequences of Porn Use in Relationships and Life – Entry 3

At the moment, I am feeling bad about my participation with watching porn. ‘Feeling bad’, meaning I sometimes think that it has undesirable consequence in my relationship with my partner. This seems obvious. I see the part that I played in creating those consequences, where I could have done differently, or acted differently.

I am open with my partner about my behavior regarding porn. When we met, both her and I had already established a degree of Self Awareness and Self Responsibility for ourselves and our own emotional and feeling experiences and so this was supportive in being able to share openly about this particular point.

We met about 2 and half years ago and have been in relationship since then. First, a long distance relationship for about 2 years and now for the last 3 or 4 months we have been living together.

I assumed when we first started our long distance relationship that I would be free and clear of this whole porn stuff by the time we moved in together.

When we met I was already busy with my intention to stop my participation with porn but was not having allot of success with it. It really supported during the 2 years we were having a long distance relationship to have someone to talk to about it. Until then, I mostly just dealt with it alone, but now I had someone to chat to about the challenges I was facing in walking this point, and so we established from the beginning an open dialog about where I was with it.

My still ‘falling’ into the behavior had consequences in the relationship. It would create allot of uncertainty and doubt as to whether or not our relationship would work out.

I find the same happens now that we are living together, any time I allow my porn addiction personality to take me over and I go back into the behavior, it has a consequence. It creates a distance between us.

So that is a side affect of porn. It gets in the way of creating a real sound stability within a relationship.

Today I had a few moments where porn images/videos that I saw during my most recent session 3 days ago flashed into my mind while I was at work. When the image flashed, there was this kind of curiosity that followed immediately after, emerging from my stomach area, this lasted only a few seconds before I stopped it.  I Took a breath, and let the experience and image go. It took a few minutes for me to stabilize again in where I was not thinking about the image at all and was back focused back on the task at hand.

Curiosity killed the cat. This is true for me with porn. That experience of curiosity that emerges within me in relation to certain images I see where “I just want to see more” I just want to for a minute allow myself to indulge, to explore, to just check it out for just 1 second. “I’m just curious” This is a particular dimension I must support myself in transcending. This curiosity experience which can also be identified as a desire.

In allot of ways it’s the experience that seduces me, that I allow to convince me to look. It’s a kind of excitement, a curiosity, a desire, and it pulls me towards and within it. It is in these moments where I must practice supporting myself to remain centered and grounded  within my own Physical Self Presence and not follow the feeling.

I was tired again today at work. A side affect of porn maybe. I generally find myself to be more physically and mentally clouded and heavy after allowing myself to go into porn, this can last for days or even a week, up to 2 weeks. Usually by the second week of no porn I experience more clarity and physical groundedness coming through.

Here is a facebook group to support Partners who’s partners are addicted to porn or who are working through porn addiction – https://www.facebook.com/groups/1619123951634417/

Also here is a great video done to support partners who’s partners are walking through porn addiction – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH_qrMP7S4s

Walking Through the Hang-Over Affects of Watching Porn – Entry 2

Today was/is the second day after a re-lapse. The word ‘re-lapse’ is an interesting word associated with the addiction process. Re-Laps. Another lap in the pool. I have also referred to this kind of event as a time-loop, where you re-walk a cycle because when the moment of transformation came, instead of walking through that threshold to create new behaviors, you ‘re-lasped’ back into the old behavior.

So today was day 2 after the re-lapse. A point I struggle with when ever I relapse is getting myself back to a point of feeling clear, directive, and sharp. After a relapse I will experience a kind of fogginess and spacy-ness about me. A dullness, a numbness of the senses.This is one of consequences of porn addiction. The haziness one experiences after allowing oneself to participate in the behavior of porn addiction.

I find the whole nature of the process of watching porn is like a form of self hypnosis where the scanning and searching through endless images and videos online has the effect of putting oneself into a kind of daze or zoning out where one is moving away and separating oneself from ones ‘Hereness’ ones Self Presence where one is HERE and CLEAR and Grounded within ones Self Presence and Physical Body.

This is the re-alignment I work with within supporting myself to correct my porn addiction behavior. I practice focusing one my Self Presence where I am present within myself and grounded. I find the affects of watching porn and masturbating creates a kind of inflation where one distances oneself from ones Self Presence. The same effect as taking a drug or drinking alcohol. Anything essentially where one is making a decision to distance oneself from ones natural self presence by using some external stimuli to occupy ones attention where Self Aware Self Presence is not really needed but more drown out, Like for instance, Self Presence is not really required to watch hours and hours of television. One can however be in Self Presence while watching television but more often than not, something like television is used like so many other things in this world, as distractions. Distracting us from our lives, from ourselves. And this is one dimension of why I participated with porn. Because it was a great distraction and escape from myself and my life.

Interestingly, I have identified watching ice hockey as a comparable equivalent to watching porn. Now porn I do see has been more detrimental to my life, though when I look within myself at the experience I get from watching porn in terms of the degree that I can escape into it and disappear, and I ask myself “is there anything else like this in my life” or “is there anything similar to this in my life” the point that comes up for me is “watching hockey”, delving into the world of professional hockey with all its statistics, and game results and highlights, and new developments. I find I can get lost in that world as well, and often after I will have gone into porn, one point I use to sooth myself from the turmoil that comes up afterwards is, besides more porn, watching hockey.  So one drug to balance negative consequences of another.

One of the prominent dimensions I look at when looking at the addiction to porn I created. Is that “It is an addiction to the experience” I get from the behavior. I am addicted to the specific experience (energy experience) that is generated through the whole process of participating with pornography. Its like a unique ‘high’ ,a unique frequency of energy experience that I have yet to transcend, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to control and direct me and that I am here to support myself to correct.

So today, day 2 supporting myself to no more participate with porn, I was a bit hazy. This is frustrating because my job does require more of a specific, directive, self attention to preform it to the degree where I am really pushing my boundaries and functioning to my utmost potential. Well, for that matter, LIFE requires this. To really be an effectively functional human being, it requires ones full attention, at least, this would support one to really see what they are capable of as a human being, which from my perspective, why else are we here on earth.

So, I breathe, I focus on my breathing, and I continue walking this correction process.

Introducing Myself and My Blog – Entry 1

I am starting this blog as a way to support myself in overcoming my addiction to pornography. So far this has been quite a process for me which I undertook now 7 or 8 years ago which was the first time in my life where I realized looking at porn wasn’t something aligned with being and becoming my utmost potential as a human being. So, my journey, like so many others, has been a long one. And my purpose with this blog is to not only support myself in overcoming my own addiction, but to support others as well.

One of the most powerful things I have found to support me in my process of correcting my own porn addiction habit is reading about the processes that others have walked in their own path to releasing themselves from the ‘system’ of porn addiction.

I call it a ‘system’ because over the years I have come to see how ‘porn addiction’ has many layers and dimensions to it from early teenage and childhood development to cultural influence to personal psychological tendencies, to one’s relationship to their emotions, or to dealing with their emotions, to money, to self image and the list goes on in terms of the numerous dimensions all working together in one big interrelated system that manifests itself as what we then call ‘porn addiction’.

Where am I now

I am a male, currently 33 years old. I am in a relationship, and I have managed to stabilize my porn addiction behavior at around 1 day per week where I will participate with the actual physical behavior of masturbating to porn.

I mentioned that I first became aware that porn was something that was in a way a dysfunctional behavior around 7 or 8 years ago and have from that point on been in a process of releasing it from myself and my life. About 4 years ago is when I managed to stabilize the habit at around 1 time per week. I have gone periods of time where I have gone without porn or even masturbation for that matter, but over the last 4 years the most time I have consecutively spent away from porn has been maybe 3 months. At times I will stop for a month, or a few weeks, but then have always returned back to the habit/behavior.

Today is Day 1 of ‘starting over’ and I am sure many porn addicts and addicts in general know what I am talking about. Starting Over, means my most recent ‘streak’ of staying clean came to end. I have found that I tend to feel like shit after my ‘streak’ comes to an end. One aspect of this process of correction I have been investigating and introspecting on lately is the aspect of ‘making mistakes’ where always in the past when ever Id fall back into the old behaviors and patterns that I would feel like I was back at square 1. So now an adjustment I have been exploring is where instead of ‘starting back at square 1’ I actually am simply  just ‘continuing on’ in the process.

The story of Thomas Edison comes to mind in his creation of the first light bulb. The famous quote is “I haven’t failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”

This is actually quite interesting, because my approach with correcting my porn addiction was to always bring myself back to ‘square 1’ when I would have a ‘fall’, but this is actually not completely accurate, because if we look at the invention of the light bulb, every time Edison failed, he learned another way not to create the lightbulb which eventually lead him to the right way. If he were to go back to square 1 then he would be infinitely trapped.

So I am practicing in this way of approaching my correction process. To not just ‘bring myself back to zero’ every-time I have a slip up or mistake or fall or relapse or what ever you want to name it. Because within that I have learned things, and so can bring that with me on my journey forward.